Episode 66: How to Feel Safe in Unsettling Times

Photo credit: Clarissa Watson

Today’s topic is a primal part of health, but one that isn’t talked about enough: safety.

Human beings need to feel safe in order to thrive. When we don’t feel safe, our stress levels are heightened and impact our health. Safety affects our resources, such as a home or finances and belonging in a family or community.

Safety is a topic that matters deeply to me as a practitioner. When I’m working with clients, they need to trust me to take care of their bodies, and to perform intricate techniques that have the potential for harm if they are done without care. I never take it for granted and always tell my clients that they are in charge during the treatments. 

I work with a lot of sensitive situations such as supporting clients through fertility treatment or early or late stages of pregnancy. Many have had some form of trauma, whether it’s physical, sexual or emotional. Many people suffer with heightened states such as stress and anxiety.

2020 has been a relentless test for our sense of safety. Collectively there’s been so much suffering, change and unpredictability.

It’s not a surprise that our sense of safety is affected. 

But I want to assure you that you have resilience, and that there are ways to feel safe, that you have agency for.

How do you know when you’re feeling safe?

Especially when we’re living in our heads and on screens, we might not even recognise what feeling unsafe actually entails. 

But when you scan your body, you might notice a certain gripping of muscle groups such as the thighs or buttocks, or clenching of the jaw and face.

Your breath might be held, as if you’re trying not to be noticed or take up space.

It’s a state of constant activity, even if it looks like nothing much is happening on the outside and you think you are feeling calm.

And your mind might be churning thoughts over and over, whether ruminating about past situations or worrying about the future with an impending sense of doom.

Feeling unsafe is exhausting and distracting and stops us being present and feeling calm.

We are frequently fed messages about personal safety, particularly when walking at night or wearing something valuable or being on our own. Safety is even more critical for someone who stands out or is ‘different’ or marginalised in some way, whether for their gender identity, sexuality, ethnicity, or ability. 

When I was at school in West London, we frequently had bomb scares where we would have to evacuate the building. I remember one time where our class was told by the police that all was well, and being asked to return to the school locker area and claim our bags so we could notice if there were any unusual items. I clearly remember the feeling of being told that everything was ok, and understanding that rationally, but feeling so overwhelmed and afraid, and not wanting to return to the building in case there really was a bomb.

Ways that you can feel safe again:

I like to emphasise the things that are always available to you and don’t rely on external resources. When you’re feeling unsafe, you don’t want to have complicated regimes. You need the most easily accessible things. 

Let’s start with: breath, senses, and movement.

For breathing:

Try to adopt a relaxed breathing style that isn’t controlled or exerting too much energy .

Allowing the outbreath to be slightly longer than the inbreath. This quickly activates the parasympathetic nervous system, which is the calmer part of the nervous system.

If you are around someone you feel safe with, you can sit back to back and breathe into each other’s spines. This is one that I often suggest to new parents when they are exhausted and under pressure. It’s a gentle way of sustaining one another and getting into sync. 

Tune into your senses:

When we’re feeling unsafe, we become vigilant. our vision becomes narrow and blinkered. So if you adopt a wider, softer gaze, by looking out of the outer corners of your eyes, you’ll encourage your physiology into a feeling of safety.

Soft lighting rather than a harsh glare is also helpful. I frequently recommend my doula clients to wear an eye mask so that they aren’t disturbed by bright lights.

Our powerful sense of smell is key to feelings of safety. A new baby needs the scent of its mother in order to feel safe. This is why skin to skin is so vital, or having a muslin or fabric that they’ve worn placed in the cot.

 Use calming and soothing scents in your home and on your skin. Think of how evocative the smell of freshly baked bread or brewed coffee are. 

Light touch, such as stroking the hands and wrists can help to feel safe.

If the touch is too light or tickly, it can excite the nervous system. In this case, use gentle pressure, such as on the soles of the feet or palms of the hand. 

I’m also of weighted blankets to curb feelings of stress or anxiety. 

Turn down the dial so that your nervous system has less stimulation. For example, if you’ve been in a situation that has been triggering in some way, then lower the lights, try to have some quiet time and even practice floor doctor, which is where you spend a few minutes just lying on the ground so that you can feel your body supported by the ground and let go of any extra tension you don’t need to guard yourself with.

Move your body. That might mean a walk outside, or some gentle stretches, or shaking and dancing to let go of tension in the body. I often talk about Non-Linear movement, which is my personal practice for letting go of what comes up in the day, and is something that is easy to do.

Stop over -exerting yourself. 

Meet your needs in whatever ways you’re able to, such as getting enough sleep and taking things off your to-do list if you can. Curb unnecessary scrolling especially on social media sites that can be toxic.

Fill your tank by having moments of stillness for prayer, meditation or finding beauty around you or connecting with gratitude. 

Taking away unnecessary decision making so that you’re not overwhelmed, but still feel like you have options rather than feel restricted.

Pay attention to who you surround yourself with. Wherever possible, only be around people you feel safe and comfortable with. This is an important aspect of boundaries and healthy boundaries are part of safety.

Boundaries are a way of protecting yourself. They can include saying no to situations that don’t work for you. Paying attention to what drains you so that you can avoid.

Safe spaces, whether online or in person. Our sense of belonging is connected with our personal safety.

I had several challenging experiences in the summer where conversations of race were commonplace. I realised how unsafe I felt in a number of online groups, including professional ones. If I was quiet, it was ok, but if I spoke up, I realised how exposing it was. That’s not safety.

I made the choice to leave the groups. If I am not truly seen and heard for who I am, then I’m not safe. It’s that simple.

In contrast, 

Lately I’ve been swimming in the local ladies ponds and it’s been such a positive lesson in safety.  The safety of a welcoming and protected space. Being surrounded by tall trees and hearing only sounds of nature. The privacy of feeling accepted and away from prying eyes.  Knowing that there are lifeguards keeping an eye in case I get into trouble in the water. Listening to my body so that I know when I can swim on, or when I need to hold onto a ring and have a breather. Not setting myself any expectations so that I know all I’m asking of myself is to get into the water. I don’t have to stay for any length of time, and if it feels too cold I can gladly get straight out. All of these little things add up to a sense of safety.

I talk about this a lot, but slowing down in order to feel is so important. If you’re rushing around and reacting , you can’t easily be in communication with your body signals.

In birth, the sense of safety is really important and includes feeling warm, loved and unobserved and being in a familiar environment. And babies need to be held, stroked, rocked and tended to so that they feel safe.

You can replicate comfort, cosiness and warmth in everyday life to feel more settled. Take your shoes off at home so your feet can relax, and wear enough layers so that your body temperature is right for you.

So where does feeling unsafe show up in your life? Maybe there’s residual worry from the situations that are affecting society right now, such as environmental issues, politics or the economy? 

Or maybe the speed of life means that you can’t quite catch your breath. 

When it comes to health, it’s important that you should feel safe and that health regimes or habits don’t ever make you feel unnecessarily vulnerable. It’s a fine line between being out of your comfort zone in order to grow, and feeling unmoored. Little incremental improvements are far safer than having a deep dive into something new.

Tending to your needs helps to feel safe. Determine what you need. It might be time alone, or in nature, or exercise or rest. These things can change day to day but I find that it helps to have a list of things that you can draw on whenever you need them so you don’t have to waste energy thinking about what you need. 

To recap, I’ve talked about how safety affects the body and how important it is to use available resources such as your breath, senses and movement in order to feel more settled. Strong boundaries are essential, and get clear about what actually matters and what you can do something about. Slowing down, and removing unnecessary distractions and obligations.

I’ve always loved the serenity prayer that’s used in 12 Step meetings:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference.

If you’ve enjoyed this episode, you might be interested in a course that I run called ‘The Intuitive Way to Wellness’. You can sign up for a free 7 day mini-version of the course: https://www.avni-touch.com/the-intuitive-way-to-wellness

I’ll be announcing some dates for Non-Linear movement soon, so contact me on @avnitouch if you’re interested. 

I’d love to hear how you explore safety in your body and life, so do send me a message and let me know.