How to Go 'Out Out' as an Introvert
Photo credit - Babtista Ime James @unsplash
Whilst it’s important to know yourself and “to thy own self be true”, there’s a point where self-identification can become restrictive. I’m both shy and introverted. I often feel like I don’t quite fit in a world that’s too fast and too loud. Much of my lifestyle has been honed to the things that work for me. I go to bed and rise early and make time to exercise, prepare meals and have space for self-care practices and reading. I want to continue to develop myself and have enriching life experiences, rather than curate my world too tightly.
For social time I enjoy the ideal number of people for me is 2-5 - anything more gets more tiring. And I’m not a big fan of dinner parties, hen dos and baby showers and other things that have a social obligation. I’d much rather decline an invitation with gratitude and catch up with the friend 1:1 in a small group, rather than force myself to be there. And especially since I pretty much stopped drinking alcohol, I’ve become more sensitive to noise, bright lights and the lack of personal space when people have had a few too many glasses of wine.
Recently I posted on Instagram about some upcoming events I had in the diary, and asking tips for managing as an introvert. I was struck by how many people said to leave early! What I wanted was to find ways that I could be present at the time that was at the events. I could manage the bit before and afterward, but I genuinely wanted to enjoy myself and make the most of the experiences.
Advice that I thought was useful:
Don’t feel any need or pressure to be someone you’re not. You’re not suddenly going to morph into the life of the party, but you can enjoy yourself.
Read ‘Quiet - The Power of Introvert in a World that Can’t Stop Talking’ by Susan Cain.
Watch the negative self-talk - if you’re feeling uncomfortable it’s easy to tell yourself things like “they are…. or I am …”
Step outside for quiet and air, or go to the bathroom and run water over the wrists before it gets too much, not after.
Amazing If/ Squiggly careers resources - Sarah Ellis is one of the founders and an introvert but also a great networker.
Affirmations beforehand, mantras on the way there.
Be intentional with who you talk to/ give your time to.
Know that you are interesting/ amazing/ deserve to be there.
It’s ok to just people watch and only speak when you want to.
Just be in the room and let connections unfold. People tend to gravitate and some people will be more chatty and conversational.
Chat for a few minutes with whoever happens to be there and the unless you have found a bestie forever, move on.
Compliment what they’re wearing.
Have innocuous comments ready to break the ice.
As Brené Brown says “don’t puff up, don’t shrink but stand your sacred ground.”
Pay attention to the energy of others and you’ll be naturally drawn to talk to people who are nourishing.
Give yourself permission to ‘practice and play’ with being more outgoing and tapping into joy, fulfillment, connection, and fun if you feel that in the moment.
Always leave on a high.
Some things that I considered:
Ways of making things calmer and quiet in the run-up. Having some alone time, give myself a face massage and visit ‘floor doctor’ (where I lie on the ground for a few minutes and practice deep breathing).
Be comfortable. After time at home in recent years it’s a bit too easy to live in ‘athleisure’, and yet dressing up doesn’t have to be uncomfortable. I wore comfy boots one evening and bought a dress from a small brand that is known for its ‘easy breezy’ style. It was in a bright red which felt appropriate for an evening function, but there were no strapless bras or itchy fabrics to contend with.
Getting hair and makeup done- there’s something about this that feels luxurious and special. I sometimes enjoy this more than the actual events!
Get a good wingperson. My husband is as extroverted as I am introverted but I’ve primed him on the things that he can do to help make me feel more comfortable- and we’ve found ways to give him space to be the whirlwind that he is. It’s definitely easier to be sociable when I’m with him. For one of the events I tagged along with a couple and they kindly introduced me to people which helped me to relax and feel less awkward.
Having some wind-down time afterwards. Since water is my happy place, that meant a soak in the bath that evening and a swim the next morning.
Smile. Such a simple thing to lift your own vibration and make others feel better too.